My Formula Stopped Working!
Posted by Dr. Matthew Calkins, Psy.D.
Thursday, April 17 2008
No denying it: We like formulas, lists and such. Finding evidence that X reliably causes Y, that good plans lead to great outcomes is as basic a drive as eating. Its reassuring in some basic, fundamental way to make sense of things, to fit ideas and experiences into categories, draw conclusions and move on to the next challenge. Although its upsetting when X doesn't lead to Y, one of our real strengths (and maybe downfalls) is that we can modify the formula just ever so slightly so that it keeps working smoothly.
Here's an example:
Formula: If you work hard, you'll be successful. (I thought I'd start with a truly American formula)
Take for instance, the high achieving college graduate who can't get a job. To right this situation and maintain the integrity of the formula, she decides that it is entirely her fault that she is not employed. She didn't work hard enough, because she is lazy. Or maybe she just doesn't really have the smarts and the skills. The point I'm getting to in this drawn out way is that people seem willing to experience pain and misery so that orderliness can be maintained.
Despite the slightly critical tone, I am very aware of the value of order. Without it, we wouldn't be able to communicate our ideas, or accomplish anything. But adhering to logic and reason more often than not results in a kind of neglect to our 'other parts.'
Imagine if you stopped yourself for 10 minutes, and had nothing in your mind. You aren't planning dinner, or wondering how you're going to manage to take your car into be repaired. You're listening.
Like the ocean, sometimes you'd hear tranquil, lapping waves. Good, peaceful times. My guess is that if that college student broke away from her formula, she'd hear something powerful within herself - separate from any predictable, prefabricated path. She'd hear great, roaring surf. Sounds much better than self-punishment.